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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28105539">Who Do I Gotta Kill?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForTheLoveOf1776/pseuds/ForTheLoveOf1776'>ForTheLoveOf1776</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ace's Oneshot Collection [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(kind of), ASL, Alternate Universe - No Apocalypse (Umbrella Academy), Alternate Universe - No Sparrow Academy (Umbrella Academy), Cursed, Good Sibling Allison Hargreeves, Good Sibling Vanya Hargreeves, Hargreeves Siblings Learn ASL, Human Dolores (Umbrella Academy), I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Mute Allison Hargreeves, NOT Allison/Luther, No Incest, No Plot/Plotless, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy-centric, no i wasn't, welcome to hell - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:01:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>841</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28105539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForTheLoveOf1776/pseuds/ForTheLoveOf1776</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>(to get a decent cup of coffee)</p><p>"Five, you have a problem," Diego said.</p><p>He rolled his eyes at him, clutching the half-mannequin to his chest. "I have many problems; my relationship with Dolores isn't one of them."</p><p>(Five loves murder. maybe a little bit too much and a little bit too literally)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Allison Hargreeves &amp; Vanya Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves &amp; Grace Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch, Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Grace Hargreeves &amp; Everyone, Murder/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), The Hargreeves &amp; Dr. Pogo (Umbrella Academy)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ace's Oneshot Collection [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057496</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who Do I Gotta Kill?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteen_friidays_and_an_anxious_cat/gifts">thirteen_friidays_and_an_anxious_cat</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this was a request from <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteen_friidays_and_an_anxious_cat">thirteen_friidays_and_an_anxious_cat:</a></p><p>dude do an umbrella academy one<br/>five x murder<br/>with the prompt as he's talking to his siblings about the love of his life</p><p>what y'all need to know about this AU is that Vanya did not, in fact, destroy the Moon and cause the Apocalypse; the boys actually listened to Allison and let her talk to Vanya, calmed her down etc; and they all did a combined power thing to restore all that had been destroyed e.g. their house, Grace, Pogo, Patch, but not their Dad lol. Everything is completely normal. (Well, as normal as it can get with this lot)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Five, you have a problem," Diego said.</p><p>He rolled his eyes at him, clutching the half-mannequin to his chest. "I have many problems; my relationship with Dolores isn't one of them."</p>
<hr/><p>The next Friday after they'd saved the world, the media attention had died down enough for the siblings to go outside without being hounded by people. Immediately, Five had heard a voice calling in his mind, one he'd grown quite accustomed to.</p><p>
  <em>I'm lonely.</em>
</p><p>He'd sat up like he'd been electrocuted, Vanya and Allison giving him strange looks. The three of them had been learning ASL together.</p><p>"Something wrong, Five?" Vanya asked, concern creasing her brow.</p><p>He didn't answer, instead performing a spatial jump outside, then walk-running to the department store where he'd left her. Dolores, the love of his life. Dolores, the literal personification of murder, happily trapped inside a mannequin, whom he'd spent 45 years in a completely healthy relationship with. Dolores, unable to be heard by anyone except for Five.</p><p>Now, Five wasn't quite sure why he was able to hear Dolores. He'd spent a lot of time in the Apocalypse thinking about it. Dolores wasn't sure either, and she was pretty much the goddess of Murder. (Which pantheon? All of them.) Anyways, her theory was that she could sense he was a murderer. Or going to be, seeing as this <em>was</em> before his work in the Commission. But either way, she'd called out to him in the rubble, feeling the presence of a fellow murder-fanatic. And he'd answered.</p><p>It wasn't until later on, maybe 15 years into their relationship, that Dolores confessed to being Murder. He hadn't minded, though. Five loved her, either way, and she loved Five. It can be supposed that even Murder has a soft side.</p><p>However, for the sake of his timeline, he'd returned her to her rightful place. But now, Five and his dysfunctional family had stopped the Apocalypse (Well, it was mainly Allison, but they all had a part to play), so Dolores didn't need to be in 'place'.</p><p>Now, a question that comes to mind is "how the hell is Five?" Well, alive, for one thing. For another, he's still child-reminiscent, which he hates. He'd thought it over, though, and assumed his past self is now jumping through time<em>lines </em>to get right back where this shit-show started. Apart from that, Five's pretty pleased with how well everything worked out. Especially now that he's got Dolores back.</p><p>(Unfortunately without a sequined outfit)</p>
<hr/><p>"Dude, you are in a relationship with a <em>mannequin.</em> Surely that's your top issue?" Klaus, lying upside-down on the couch, questioned him.</p><p>"Bit hypocritical, coming from you of all people," Five retorted. He set Dolores down on the table top. <em>Thankith.</em> He rolled his eyes at the slaughtered English. "Anyways, now the Apocalypse is sorted out I think it's time for the truth."</p><p>His siblings, gathered in the ground-floor living room, all turned to look at him, their faces displaying varying levels of interest.</p><p><em>Go on Five, tell them. </em>With a side glance at Dolores, Five explained. "Dolores is actually the collective mind of literal Murder, previously stretched out across all possible instances in time but now has her conscience trapped in a conscious state inside this mannequin," he was met with a range of confused frowns and disbelieving expressions.</p><p>Klaus began to pipe up but Five cut him off. "One word of tease and I'll defenestrate you," he said with a terrifyingly wholesome smile.</p><p>"I was just asking what that means?"</p><p>"Defenestrate? It means--"</p><p>"No, no, I know what defenestration is! What were you trying to say?" Klaus asked with wild hand gestures.</p><p>"You mean what did I say that your tiny brain cannot comprehend? In terms you would understand: Dolores is pretty much the goddess of Murder, trapped inside a mannequin."</p><p>"For real?"</p><p>"Yes, Diego, <em>for real.</em> And another thing - I can hear her speak."</p><p>"She speaks?" Luther interjected.</p><p>"In my mind."</p><p>Allison waved at them for her attention. "Vanya and I can back Five up. We can sense her, too," she signed, a little shaky, but still understandable.</p><p>Five had to restrain himself from a double-take. "You can hear her? For how long?"</p><p>"Not hear her, but we can sense her presence? I think it's a mind control thing. And we only just realized that's what we can sense," Vanya clarified. Luther and Diego exchanged a look, hoping this wasn't some elaborate prank.</p><p>"Okay, okay, well, that's in order. Now--"</p><p>"Let's get drunk!" Klaus exclaimed, producing a bottle of non-de-script alcohol from seemingly nowhere. Five immediately grabbed the bottle, and in a display of Valkyrie-like prowess, downed it all at once, to Klaus' chant of "chug chug chug chug!".</p><p>That was just the start. By the morning, all seven Hargreeves siblings were absolutely wasted, and Five, in his drunk stupor, was babbling on about Dolores.</p><p>"She's the love of my life, Allison! It's so great, being loved," he rambled, draped over the couch.</p><p>All in all, the siblings were happy. And so was Dolores.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope it was good :)</p><p>I interpreted it as I do</p><p>I also kinda went off-prompt and the Hargreeves siblings are a bit OOC but oh well I enjoyed writing it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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